Now i run...

as most of you would know by now...my dad was here last weekend...It was indeed an awful 5 days for me...getting lectured constantly...but i guess ive been used to it as ive been getting it since i was about...14 or 15 years old...well...i got it much earlier than that but it was this age where the lectures started getting longer and longer...

So yeah...dad was here to check on me and make sure that im doing alright in my uni. Which i think i am...i hope i am..as this semester...there aint no turning back...

dad wrote me something...'key performance indicator' for this current semester...and in it...i have to :

-reduce all bday party to 0
-reduce IH duty to 0
-reduce socializin in IH to once a week
-only one outing to the city a week
-reduce idle talk to 0
-increase private study to 6 hours a day
-interact with IS students daily
-have tuitions
-report home once a week

If you dont believe this you can come up to my room and have a look at the paper in which he wrote it in...

Kim looked at it...and she said "if i had to do this...ill die"

Pretty sure if any of you had to go through my dads lecture...it will eventually drive you insane...

Dad also said that i should take down all the photos in my room as it is a visual distraction...i should onli put up a photo of him and my mum to remind me of them and so it will make me consciencely work hard this semester...

I dont know...guess my dad is being too anal about me failing and all..Yes i do know it is my fault...but i guess he doesnt know the true reason why i failed.... which is...

-NOT ATTENDING CLASSES

in my dads eyes ...i did attend my classes and actually did work...but prob not enuff....so i guess he thinks that i reli need to try all my might .....but seriously...a H1 student wouldnt even have a routine as prescribe as my dad....

I dont know..of course i take all he has to say...but i just think that its reli bull shit...
i agree with the whole...cut down on social activities..but to 0...come on...everyone knows that impossible for me...or for anyone...thats just ridiculous...
the photos are another thing..i dun look at them when im studying as its at the back wall....i just need em...as i feel like it makes my room much more...roomier...or ...lived in...makes it feel much more homely...and there is a reason why i put up photos in my room...

it reminds me of the friends that i have and the friends that are there to help me when im in need...and the friends that i know want me to do well in my studies...

prob what harvard said was true " eddie..you so insecure ah...have to stick all the photos of you with your friends to show ppl that you actually have friends"

Prob its true...but yeah..it still works for me...so all in all..i guess i do take in what my dad said..but i think its too extreme..and its reli stressin at times when he lectures you ..over and over again...over the same issue..using the same points....and longs lectures with that..hours and hours.....

It is up till then that i realised...one of the biggest reason why i always start smoking again...one of the biggest stress of my life..or actually..the biggest stress of my life...is from my dad....

I guess im just annoyed at myself...that i havent been able to fulfil what my dad wanted me to do...

and im not reachin my full potential...no...no where near that...

just stress as i know my mum is getting shit from my dad couz im turning out a failure..

Just stressin couz i live a life quite different from everyone else....

a protected life...without much freedom at all...

a life where i dont get to go on holiday with my friends....

couz my dad will always say he might be coming and i have to wait and see whether he comes...

which in the end....he DOESNT....

a life where i just keep waiting...im totally dependant on my dad..and cant do anything until he says its okay...

that i cant go out unless he is not at home..or have gone to bed...

or i have to wake up for brekkie at 745 am each morning...

should be back around 5 in the afternoon just in case he wants to excercise...

just stress at how i can have this life even though im 20 years old this year...

just stressin...why i cant lead my own life...

In the end...what my dad always say has some meaning to it...and as much as i hate it... i have to face reality and that he is actually right....all the time...

so yeah..i realise what i have done..and i guess i hope that ill be able to turn it around this semester and this whole life of mine...

guess after all...he is my dad...and i respect him....

As this song by shannon noll titled "now i run" goes:
Cause everything that I am
Comes from a better man
And all that Ive said and done
Cant rewrite my history
Right there for all to see
Im just my fathers son
Taught me to walk, now I run
Now I run...

and i hope that i become
half the man he'd want me to be...